Wall and Echo

First moment of seeing a computer is not something you remember, for me it could be 20 years ago, and I don't. What I do remember is, the geekness appeared, having something hi-tech and able to control it. Not only in Eastern Europe, but at that time, anywhere was pretty much hard core about having a computer. You were a kid, and it was expensive or you find yourself visiting the friend more often who had one. When I look at it now, it was a lot of luck. First the 8 bit's, funny was, I was learning to write in school with pen and at home on keyboard at the same time. This will definetly influence my future. After 20 years, noone is able to read my handwrittings except signature but it's pretty clear I do write better on the laptop. I find myself a bit disabled, in the hand writting point of view. Communist had this great idea to teach left handed people write right hand, or maybe it wasn't the communism but the stupid teacher and school and social system. The result, I was writting so bad, that I was getting slaps with a ruler in front of the class. Well, that fucked up was my first grade.

The situation around us for the whole time is pretty much bad, no matter how many times or ways you look, it just stays that way. I mean, the life? Yours or mine.

Is it something you pretend and create to live worth anything, is it? I just doubt the question, it can matter only to you, and probably noone else. When you have something, that matters to someone else, don't let it go, you may not find it again. Sometimes we think that what we found worth a lot, or we just pretend it that way. No matter if you do pretend or really feel, you can loose it easily. I lost so many times and I told myself this will be the last one, but it keeps coming back. Something terrible did happen, do I found myself on the edge of the cliff ready to just let it go. No, I don't, and never will. I rather spend the life standing and facing the cold wind from north on a not so really welcoming surroundings a top of hill above the ocean.

I remember the first moment when I met her like it was yesterday, , even when it happend years ago. It's because of the moments that made you feel special, that things out of the sudden started to mean. I almost always felt the meaning of what I am, of what is she.
I met her at not really welcoming phase of my existence, it was for few months age of wonders, age of stuff that was burried for years appeared again in reality. It wasn't pleasant for anyone around, especially me and the closest one. Almost three months I was falling somewhere inside where I didn't even know I started heading. It's because you tend to loose the big picture, which for me do explains a lot, always. After some months, you just realize, oh my god did I really think or do this? big picture appears, and all the things you was blind to are there, you see them clearly. It's something so different you didn't seen coming, but it was there. Now it starts to disappear, but the collateral damage is for some unbearable, and they tend to loose to hope.

I am sorry for it and ashamed of myself,
things are completely different. I hope, one day you can see it